Back from another weekend with some seriousness

I hope that you all had a wonderful, relaxing weekend. Things are on the path to getting back to normal for me for a few days. I am very thankful for just a couple days of a break where I get to leave work at a normal hour and spend more time with my wife. So, I get to get on here and type out a few posts this week (probably) and today is the first.

Yesterday at church we had the Lord's Supper for everyone. It was a great celebration focusing on God's grace. I loved every minute of it. The music was amazing and the worship was awesome. Singing about God's grace and love for us is never a dull thing and its the thing that we celebrate the most because its so unbelievable. I could go on and on about how wonderful God's grace and love are and how it might not make sense, but its so easy to accept it. But, that wasn't where my mind went that afternoon.

I started thinking about being disappointed with God. We all have desires and wants that we think are Godly or at the very least aren't sinful. So, we lift them up to God knowing that since that are selfish, they aren't hated by God, that eventually He will respond and you can praise Him for meeting your desire. But what about in the meantime? What about the times when you think that there is no reason that God shouldn't meet this request and He doesn't? What about the way that you feel about yourself and question what you have done? I realize that this could fall under the heading about our timing versus God's timing. I also realize that this is no different than any other prayer that is offered and seems to go unanswered. However, this week it was different. This week, I have a specific instance that I am just hammered by. I say that this is about being disappointed with God, but really isn't it more about being disappointed with myself. That I feel like I have done something wrong and that I have done something to keep God from granting this request. I question about if it was something in my past, or something that I am doing now. I know that God is a God of infinite love and grace, but I guess we all start thinking in terms of "punishment" when something we desire isn't given. I also know that when this need is met, that I will look back and wonder why I questioned His timing. I will see how He was there all along, but its hard to take comfort in the now. I guess that's a huge part of any one's personal relationship with God, the ability to give their fears, their worries to Him and allow Him to give you the peace and comfort that you need until either the need is met or the desire fulfilled or taken away.

I watched part 2 of Stanley's series "He still* has the whole world in His hands". In it, Stanley uses Philippians 4:4-7 in a way I hadn't heard before. I would encourage you to watch it or listen to it if you have the time. But, at the end he says that part of prayer when times are tough or any time really, is to reveal our hearts to God. He might know everything about us, but He desires us to give ourselves to Him. And if something is bothering you, to give the real reason why you want God to work in that area. He gives a model that goes like this:

"Heavenly Father, I need you to _______________.
If you don't, I am afraid that _______________."

I have been trying to use it. And with each step, you get closer to the root of the problem that you have when you feel like God hasn't met your need. As Stephen Johnson said during our study about healing, where there is fruit, there is a root. This even means, when you are showing signs of doubt or worry, there is a reason for that. Either there is a belief about yourself or about God. Either way, you need to find it and allow God to minister to that area. Like I said, I have been trying to allow God in these areas and while I have seen a lot of His peace, I am still surrounded by a lot of fears.

This isn't an easy or necessarily a fun thing to tackle. It is better for us. I think that if we were just honest about what we think or feel that we could experience God a lot more. We get so caught up in these sort of form prayers. We say the same thing over and over. We come to God not with awe and wonder but with words. He doesn't want just words, He wants our heart. I want to give Him my heart, but I have to be honest when I doubt Him being there and when I doubt myself.

I don't know if this even makes much sense to anyone else. But this is me right now.